Fazoli's
Chili's
McDonald's
Logan's
54th Street
Applebees
Burger King
GoJo's (Japanese Steakhouse)
Jimmy John's
Subway
Denny's
Jersey's
Manny's
Hardees
Buffalo Wild Wings
Sonic
Five Guys
Perkins
Bar and Grill
These are some of the places I've eaten at within the last two and half weeks. I haven't worked out. I've been drinking lots of Sprite and Hi-C Orange soda. I just stopped caring when my dad died, not because I was terribly sad, but because I was terribly busy. I haven't cooked a meal in a month or so, and yet I have justified all of this because the scale hasn't been fluctuating too much. Granted, I haven't lost, but I haven't had a big gain, either. That changed today. Well, the soda and the binging. I would like to lose weight, but somewhere along the line I forgot why I was changing my life. It was to get healthy, to get my heart healthy.
My biggest fear now is that I will be like the person my dad was. He was so charming to strangers. No one would have ever guessed he was one of the biggest assholes ever. He was married 6 times and just divorced his wife of one year one month ago. He didn't know how to love. He was angry and bitter. He blamed all of his problems on everyone else. Eventually, his heart gave out and he is no longer here. Is that who I am going to be? Most of you do not know the depth of my anger issues. These issues manifest when I deal with men and I don't know if it's because I want to push them away because I am afraid to love, or if it is just because I learned the behavior from my father. He was a dick to women and I am a total bitch to men.
I don't want to go out like my father did. I want to continue to make strides towards living a healthy and fulfilling life. I want to learn how to love. More importantly, I want to learn how to receive it.
There's so much I need to work on. One day at a time, one day at a time.
6 comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss.
One day at a time - such a clishay, and so important. Definitely something I tell myself many times throughout the week.
Good Luck, and you stay strong.
oh girl, your allowed to vent however see fit, but don't let it ruin all the hard work that you have put in up until now.
Whether you dad was a dick or not, that doesn't mean you need to follow in his footsteps. Think of your little girl, you don't want to pass those insecurities to her. Teach her to be strong not angry, just like her mom :)
Tomorrow is a new day.
You can truely be whoever you want to be and you can accomplish anything you decide you really want.
The person that fathered you does not get to make these choices for you; they are YOUR choices alone.
I think the fact that you're admitting that you have something to work on is a huge step. You won't end up like your father, because he probably did not care how he treated other people, and you do. I'm not trying to speak ill of him, because obviously he was your father, and I didn't know him. But that's just my experience with people of that sort.
Just get back on the horse. Don't wait til Monday, start with dinner tonight. Cook something at home. You'll be surprised just how much healthier for you it is. *hugs*
I think you know yourself better than you give yourself credit...it seems you know exactly who you want to be and exactly who you don't want to be....don't be so hard on yourself...I know you'll blossom into the person you want to be without even noticing...
I hear you sis. And I think it is so good that you got it out - so many of us hold ourself back and put on the happy face...The thing is we have to get to the root so that as we make the change it will be everlasting b/c we have delt with the issues that got us there.
Keep moving forward it is not even about one day at a time because some areas make take a little bit longer just as long as you keep moving forward and don't get stuck in pause.
Be true to yourself no matter what.
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